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Double Bubble, Toil & Trouble

February 10, 2011

Your assignment: write a piece that begins with, “I could never have imagined” & ends with, “Then the whole world shifted.” 600-word limit this week.

***NO pussyfooting. I want your constructive criticism. No more of that bullshit, “Great post!” For the love of God, give it to me straight.**

I never could have imagined growing up somewhere besides Houma, Louisiana, a sleepy little town nestled in the bayous of southeast Louisiana. It was such a small town that there wasn’t even a McDonald’s. We had Southland Mall with its D.H. Holmes, but beyond our fence in the backyard were acres upon acres of fields with weeds six feet tall.

My mom stayed home with my brothers and me and often took us with her to run errands. We bounced around the back of her brown Mercury station wagon while we waited for the greasy-haired man to pump our gas and check the oil at the lone Amoco station. When he was through, he offered us a handful of Double Bubble gum. Individually wrapped pieces of sugary goodness that under ordinary circumstances were never allowed to pass our lips. I took my time untwisting the wax paper before popping a powdery piece into my mouth.  I always saved the second one for later.

Because it was such a small town, everyone knew everything about everyone else.  Bad news blew about like an angry wind, bringing little leaves with stories scrawled upon them.

One day a particularly devastating incident crushed us. Unfortunately it involved a quiet, brown-eyed boy named Kevin Culpepper who was in my first-grade class at school. He and his dad were out fishing when a storm rose up like a monster and raced across the sky, dropping darkness in its wake. Lightning struck Kevin’s father and he died instantly. Kevin, at the tender age of six, managed to maneuver the boat back to shore by himself and call for help. How he did that I’ll never know, and imagining the scene made my heart hurt for him.

When he returned to school a few weeks later, he was almost mute. I knew better than to say anything about it to him, especially since my mom had discussed it with me at length. I eyed him from afar and desperately wanted to give him a big hug. But I was too scared. And I had a crush on him.

One day at recess we were playing tetherball. It was hot outside, so we took a break and sat down on the cement-filled tire. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a tiny crumpled piece of paper, upon which I’d scribbled, “I love you, Kevin.” Shyly and with averted eyes I handed it to him, along with the other piece of Double Bubble I’d saved. His eyes scanned the words slowly. He pocketed the gum and leaned forward quickly, kissing me on the cheek before he galloped away.

I sat there, stunned. It took me a few minutes to realize that an incredible boy I liked had just pressed his soft lips to my cheek. And that this boy had one foot firmly planted in innocence with the other thrust painfully, suddenly, into manhood. Straddling two worlds, he was an enigma. I was in awe of him.

My whole world had shifted.

Filed Under: My Non-Fiction

Comments

  1. Asouthernfairytale says

    February 11, 2011 at 5:10 am

    painful. powerful. sweet. innocent. touching.

    don’t change a thing.

    Can’t wait to see what else you come up with

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:50 pm

      You’re a gem, Rachel. It makes me so happy to see your smiling face here.
      😉
      The story definitely has its problems, but I’m nevertheless thrilled you loved it!

  2. Terri Sonoda says

    February 11, 2011 at 5:16 am

    I’m sure you’re not looking for any critique from me, since I’m not one of the powers-that-be, but to be quite honest, I couldn’t find one single thing wrong with this piece. What I liked most about it was your descriptiveness. My favorite description of the entire post was, “Bad news blew about like an angry wind, bringing little leaves with stories scrawled upon them.” That spoke volumes to me. That’s the kind of writing I like to read.
    But, again, it’s just my opinion.
    Terri

  3. Veronica says

    February 11, 2011 at 5:23 am

    I can’t help but be blown away by your descriptive prowess! Seriously, how do you do tap into that depth of emotion? I loved how wonderfully you weaved your words, with purpose and power. No bullshit here, just admiration.

  4. Tonya says

    February 11, 2011 at 5:28 am

    Wonderful description. I can almost smell the Double Bubble! I love this piece… it sums up innocence and tragedy and our common need for human touch and needing one another so well.

  5. MamaRobinJ says

    February 11, 2011 at 5:39 am

    That’s amazing. I’m trying to think about something specific that I love, but my first reaction is just heart-pounding awe. This is my favourite line: “Bad news blew about like an angry wind, bringing little leaves with stories scrawled upon them.” After this piece, you’re totally one of those writers who gives me writers’ envy 🙂

  6. MyLittleMiracles says

    February 11, 2011 at 5:43 am

    So descriptive, and I can’t get the thought of powdery piece of gum, as much as I can’t stand it, I find myself wanting to run to the store to get one!

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 3:48 pm

      I know, Erin! I want some, too! Craving it, actually (and I’m not a gum chewer anymore. Haven’t been in years!). Have a wonderful weekend!

  7. Lydia says

    February 11, 2011 at 5:49 am

    I know you said not to say I loved it, but I do- My favorite was the part bout the boy having “one foot planted in innocence and one foot thrust painfully, suddenly into manhood.” It really summed up what had happened to him.

  8. Andrea B. says

    February 11, 2011 at 5:53 am

    Ah, it sucked. 😉

    But seriously. I really liked it. I thought it was descriptive and well written, and I could feel your younger self and the little boy, as well. I felt the same as other comments re: the smell and memory of the gum (if I could breathe right now I would totally have smelled it) and that you gave him a piece made me smile at the end.

    I will admit that I kind of slid through the first paragraph or so, up until the word Individually. Maybe that was just me, but it was at that word that you truly caught me and drew me into the piece. I didn’t feel that I needed that detail re: the small town, because the incredible sentence (in the bad news para) gave it to me immediately and the rest was extraneous for me.

    I’ll also be honest and tell you I skipped right over the links. I want Erin when I come here, and not anyone else. 😉 And that’s what I got with the rest of the writing. Great stuff. Smooches!

  9. Jill says

    February 11, 2011 at 6:36 am

    I love the descriptions: bouncy around, powdery piece, etc.

    I like Kevin too.

  10. Anonymous says

    February 11, 2011 at 7:58 am

    I know I’m not supposed to say it, but it was a great post! Swear on a box of Godiva.

    Your descriptions of how news traveled and the way the storm rose up were poetic. You sucked me in from the start and kept my eyes glued to the screen all the way to the bottom.

    I looked, I really did, for something to critique but I couldn’t find anything. I’m sorry.

  11. The Drama Mama says

    February 11, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Your whole bit about the bad news was my favorite line out of the whole thing too. You really do have a gift on putting together descriptions. I am in total awe of that. I could have done without the links though. The only link I want to see is one linking to more of your fabulous stories. 😉

  12. Nancy C says

    February 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

    “Bad news blew about like an angry wind, bringing little leaves with stories scrawled upon them.”

    There’s your first line right there. It’s a beauty. I’m not sure the intro paragraphs about the small town were really necessary, and could possibly be shown in asides (via dialogue or in simple description.) You don’t need to tell us it’s a small town—your descriptions will help us figure it out for ourselves.

    For example, maybe you could detail how the news of the freak accident (and oh my God–how Southern is that!) trickled through the town…through gossip on front steps, maybe a comment by another kid or by the gas station attendant?

    Please keep that bubble gum. I, too, tasted that powder, felt that waxy wrapper.

    God, you’re good. You capture pitch-perfect sensory details like nobody else.

    That line about one leg in manhood….stellar. Again, it captures the allure of the “man with a past,” as well as your natural tendency to care for those who need extra love. It shows your big heart.

    Okay, Erin, critique my critique. Too harsh? Not enough? I’m here to serve.

    Also? Love you.

    • Cherry Woodburn says

      February 11, 2011 at 1:25 pm

      I second Nancy’s critique. I thought the post was going to be more about the gas station guy and then wondered what the pt. of that 1st paragraph was. When you gave the bubble gum it made sense but. like Nancy think it would be a stronger story if approached somewhat differently.

    • Erin @ Cultivating Rosebuds says

      February 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

      I agree with this comment. I think with a little editing this post could go from good to awesome. You are really a great writer Erin, thank you for sharing your art.

      • Anonymous says

        February 12, 2011 at 3:46 pm

        Thanks, sweet Erin. I think you’re probably right. It needed to be longer and flushed out mo re, but with my shitty first graph and the word limit, I felt lost. I got tired of looking at it….as you can probably tell. I didn’t know what more to do with it.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 3:45 pm

      Not too harsh at all, Nance. You know I look up to/idolize you. And I”m trying to remind myself of what Paul did/said to you.

      I knew my story had problems. But within the constraints of the prompt, I couldn’t make it work. And I sooooo wish that could’ve been my first line. The first line is what gave me the most trouble! ack!

  13. Nicole(Willis)Boyce says

    February 11, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    oh my heart just broke open a little! you had me at sleepy town with no micky d’s! and then you just swirled me right onto the playground with you. heart pounding, hands sweating, twisting in innocence and pushing through to something new and shifted.

    you, the incredible little girl who shifted, probably landslide shifted the boy’s life without even knowing it. unconditional love like that heals. it shifts you and others. it ripples for lifetimes.

    your writing is gorgeous. flowing. engaging. pure.

    i think my world shifted a little more today because of you! thank you.

  14. Kelly says

    February 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Your descriptive writing is top notch! I could feel the powdery sugar and smell the sweet smell of Dubble Bubble…and so sad for Kevin! I hope this is a story you will continue.

  15. Kirgal says

    February 11, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    I loved it, I felt like I was sitting on the playground with you..feeling that kiss on my 6 yr old cheek. I could smell summer and feel the heat and humidty around me. It was so good.

    You took us to that time and place and that is what good writers do, you reminded me of Anne Rivers Siddons or Pat Conroy (two of my favorites) in this piece.

  16. Law Momma says

    February 11, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Okay you want it straight so I’ll give it to you straight… it’s good. I love the ending and I love the beginning. If I had to make one suggestion it would be to smooth out the transition. The sentence that makes the transition b/w the description of the town and what happened to Kevin sort of jars you out of the story. If you can find a way to smooth that down and make it seamless, you won’t leave the reader looking up right in the middle.

    But overall? Amazing. Honestly.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 3:42 pm

      SO ironic that you were nervous about linking up, but I’m the one who wrote the shitty story. See? No need to be nervous about us red dress people. LOL!

  17. Jackie says

    February 11, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    I know you don’t want to hear it but it is a great post!
    You were very descriptive and I could imagine it all as I read it. The gum, the kiss, the sadness, the heat while playing outside.

  18. Heather O says

    February 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Beautiful. Loved it Erin. 🙂

  19. Evonne says

    February 11, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Great story! My brother and I lost our dad. My brother was 5 at the time so I witnessed him having to straddle those 2 worlds. That part really hit me.

    I think the information about your town and how news spreads like wild fire is a part of the story. Instead of being the paragraph or so, perhaps you could spread that information throughout the story?

  20. Snuggle Wasteland says

    February 11, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    I’m too much of cheerleader/fan girl to be a critic. It was really good. Your descriptions are wonderful. I read the comments and someone compared it to Pat Conroy. I definitely get that feel and I love his writing.

    Take Nancy’s critique. She seems to be the expert around here.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 3:33 pm

      yeah, Nancy definitely knows her shiz-nit. This writing is hard, man. I looked at it too long. It all blurred together, you know how like when you get teary, you can’t see? That was me with this piece. Le sigh.

  21. Carrie says

    February 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    I will be brutally honest: It was wonderful. Strong and filled with emotion yet so simple. I cold picture the young girl reminiscing about this piece of her history.

    You have a gift. I think you will handle that new memoir prompt easily.

    Visiting from RDC

  22. Victoriakp says

    February 11, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Okay, I know you want criticism and I do have one thing for you. But first, I have to say how much I love this piece. I could picture the small town in my head and taste the Double Bubble. First rate stuff.

    But if you want critique…
    I particularly like this “Because it was such a small town, everyone knew everything about everyone else. Bad news blew about like an angry wind, bringing little leaves with stories scrawled upon them.”
    But I’m not crazy about the next sentence. Maybe you just don’t need it or need something that’s more transitional. Just tell us about the incident without setting it up with “One day a particularly devastating incident crushed us…”

    Does that make sense?

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 3:32 pm

      Totally makes sense. I knew it had weak parts. I struggled w/ this prompt. I think if I could’ve made it longer and with better transitions it could possibly be improved….

  23. (Florida) Girl with a New Life says

    February 11, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    I think this was very good but you want critique, so here goes. I think the hook here feels more like the small town and little less the little boy you had the crush on. If you want the story to focus on him, I say push his details closer to the opening and weave the other details of the small town around the story of him. Otherwise, your prose is lovely.

    Stopping by from trdc.

  24. Leighvslaundry says

    February 11, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    “Bad news blew about like an angry wind, bringing little leaves with stories scrawled upon them.”

    That is just beautiful. I was swept away by this post. I can feel in your writing that you are pushing your own boundaries. I feel like you are letting me in on a deep secret every time I read something that you’ve written.

    I went into this post with a very constructive eye (as you requested) and loved everything about it.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 3:30 pm

      Thank you, sweet Leigh. I’m happy you liked it so much. I’m struggling with the constructive critisicm even though everyone is 100% right. This writing gig is hard!

  25. Ally says

    February 11, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Okay, here goes. First, I love your descriptive writing. Really do. And this was no exception. The only thing I would say is that I was totally sucked in to the small town, then suddenly it was about a boy and not really about the town and it’s spreading of news. That said, I had to read it twice to pick that out. And I understand that you were following a prompt that had to start one way and end another. But you could take the first half and the second half and expand on both and have fantastic stories to tell. Especially all that descriptiveness about the small town. I could really feel that back seat of the station wagon. I could really see that grease stained hand turning over the gum. And I could taste the powdered sugar on the gum. Can I say it? Great stuff!

  26. PamelaFaganHutchins says

    February 11, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Very touching. Great job.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 3:25 pm

      Blech! “Great job?” You’re the writer, damn it! You’re supposed to tell me what is wrong with this!
      Then again, maybe you just agree with the others and didn’t feel compelled to repeat??
      xoxoxoxo

  27. Anonymous says

    February 11, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Great post, Erin. My comments mirror some of the others. This seems like two different stories. One about growing up in a small town and the other about the story involving the boy. Either one makes a great story, on its own, but together, they didn’t seem as impactful. On a separate note, I find this font difficult to read. And since I focus on weird crap like that, had to point it out. You might ask your other readers for an opinion. It made me work harder (visually) than I like to have to work when reading.

    Mwah.

    Sheila

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 3:24 pm

      Dearest Sheila,

      I knew this story had problems, but I got so tired of looking at it that I stopped “seeing” it. And with the word limit I wasn’t even sure how to fix/where to start. I think I could potentially make it better, but only if it was 600+ words and with better transitions…

      I emailed/tweeted Michelle & Chad and I want you to be explicit/honest because you know how much I need & value your input. I appreciate it more than you know. Thank you.

      It was good seeing you last night and hope L & L had fun!
      xoxo

  28. Yuliya says

    February 11, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    I love that the note and Bubble gum was enough to give him the lightness to gallop away, unburdened by his problems if only for a moment.

    Critique, I agree that the font is distracting, (makes my eyes water!) and no need for links, we are here for you and you alone…and yes it felt like two stories for a moment there. But I can’t wait to hear more about both!

  29. Taming Insanity says

    February 11, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Sigh.

    I don’t want to do this.

    But you’re making me.

    I love this sentence: “He and his dad were out fishing when a storm rose up like a monster and raced across the sky, dropping darkness in its wake.”

    But then you drop the imagery after that. I think you could have worked it in again. Like “Kevin had faced a monster none of us had had to.” but you know, nicer like you would write it.

    Overall, I love it, and you, even more than I can put into words.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 3:14 pm

      Thanks, Kristin. I knew the piece had some serious issues, but I got tired and frustrated and didn’t know how to fix it. You know when you look at something so long you stop really “seeing” it? That was me with this one.

      I love you too. Thank you for your words (text) last night. I’m holding on.

  30. Theinquisitivemom says

    February 11, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    So, the frivolous first: How did you ever save a piece of double bubble? It lost its taste in a matter of seconds. Even today, when I sneak pieces from the kid’s halloween stash, I find myself shoving extras in to try and prolong the taste.

    I agree with many others that there is some incredibly strong writing here – sentences to take your breath away. I actually like the intro to small town life. This was particularly impactful: “Bad news blew about like an angry wind, bringing little leaves with stories scrawled upon them.” And this:” And that this boy had one foot firmly planted in innocence with the other thrust painfully, suddenly, into manhood. Straddling two worlds, he was an enigma.” I felt like you could have left it here, however, instead of adding that you were in awe of him. That seems implied to me and to draw away from the impact of that sentence in a way.

    I think you are definitely reaching your goals of really writing here and not simply blogging. I say ditch the writing prompts that might limit you – maybe use them as a start and then don’t be afraid to cut them if they don’t work for your finished piece.

  31. Lisa @ Two Bears Farm says

    February 11, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    I love your give it to me straight speech. I never get critique either although I always ask for it. In so many ways, though, the critiquing is harder than the writing. I always enjoy what you write, and this one with it’s Southern taste is particularly enjoyable. If I had to make a suggestion I’d like to see more description of the town – surely it was hot and steamy and everyone knew everyone else’s business kind of stuff? 😉
    Can you imagine, at the age of 6, living through something like that and then navigating the boat back to shore. How do you even overcome that?

  32. kim says

    February 11, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    No critism here. Loved it, absolutely. And plus, crying. 🙂

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:52 pm

      oh, don’t cry! i meant it to be a sweet story, not necessarily a sad one…
      but thank you for reading & coming by!

  33. joann mannix says

    February 11, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Here are my two favorite lines: “Bad news blew about like an angry wind, bringing little leaves with stories scrawled upon them.” That is a powerhouse line. And then there’s this: “And that this boy had one foot firmly planted in innocence…”

    You have such an eye for detail and imagery. We weren’t allowed chewing gum growing up, but my grandpa always brought us Bazooka gum when he came to visit. I could taste that gum as you described it so succinctly.

    I don’t think you need the first paragraph at all. I think your story holds up well without it.

    And you’re saying two important things here. You’re conveying what is was like to have this small town life and then you have this harrowing incident that changed not only the boy’s life, but your life, your perspectives as well. I think you need to swirl those together into one connective whole. Ease the small town life into the basis of your story, Kevin’s story. The small town life as beautiful as it is, should be just a snippet of an intro, so that your hook is pulled forward and the focus is on the real story.

    Does that even make sense? I’m really bad at explaining myself. But this was a powerful and beautifully written piece. You have a way with words. Has anyone told you that?

  34. Suzanna Kelley says

    February 11, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Erin –

    I am so excited to see you taking on this new writing adventure. You know I believe you have an amazing gift and am still sure that someday I will say, “I knew her when…”

    You’ve asked for feedback, so here goes…the way I read it, there are really two parts to this story: first, the boy whose father is tradically killed and second, the girl with the crush who gets, what I can only assume to be her first kiss on the playground. Yes, the boy is the common thread, but I thought that these could have been more strongly tied together. A six year old’s desire to hand over a piece of bubble gum with a valendtine attached could just as easily been precipitated by a skinned knee as a dead daddy. I’ve seen children have profound and deep reaction to death. I think you could dig a little deeper into that and make this richer as a story.

    My .02,
    Suzanna

    p.s. there is something funky with this comment box that makes it not expand properly as you type. Right now I cannot see the last three sentances of the last paragraph, parallel with the “post as” button which may be the source of the trouble. Anyway, first, my apologies for any typos in those last few sentances since I can’t see what I wrote. Second, you may want to look into that bug with your web crew.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:40 pm

      Suzanna,

      SO pleased that you came over and I appreciate the time you took to give me your valuable .02!

      I agree with what everyone said. This was much harder than I expected it to be. I try to keep my posts short in general, but when you have an exact limite + the beginning and ending written, it’s harder. There was so much swirling around and I felt I had to explain where it all started. When really I could’ve just chopped the first and last paragraphs. I am not good at editing my own work and although it’s diffficult to digest the critiques, I know everyone is right.

      How is married life going? I was back in NOLA over Christmas and as I drove past Napoli Drive, many wonderful memories came flooding back, especially of Ching, Wallace Pinkerton, and lots of slumber parties…
      😉

  35. d, the undomestic housewife says

    February 11, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    So, I’m not allowed to tell you how wonderful it is?!?

    It’s beautiful… I love the third to last line, ‘straddling two worlds, he was an enigma.’

    Only change I would make? Maybe a little more imagery after you talk about Kevin’s dad dying.. maybe go more into how he felt?!

    Absolutely love your writing tho, Erin! 🙂

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:51 pm

      Thanks so much for your input! This was hard w/ the word limit (even though I typically try to keep my posts short). Also, since it’s non-fiction, I have no real idea or memory how Kevin felt…I just remember this particular incident. Is it still non-fiction if I try to sneak in a little guesswork?!

  36. Amy d says

    February 11, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    That is an amazing story! I am so saddened by it. How frightened and alone he must have felt in that moment. Cannot even fathom it.

    It’s so funny we both grew up in Houma, only to “know” each other through the blogging community:)

    Also? You have balls of steel! I could have never done such a thing when I was young. You had/have more of a voice than you give yourself credit for.

  37. Leighann says

    February 11, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    I have always lover your writing! Like a few others I noticed there are two different stories going on. The ending is phenomenal with him being an enigma.
    As always your writing is a joy to read.

  38. LBDDiaries says

    February 11, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    You caught me first because Houma was where the first guy I ever fell in love with lived (at 19, sigh) lived. I quickly forgot him because I was sucked into good memories of DH Holmes, the nostalgia of Double Bubble bubble gum with the perfect description “powdery” instantly triggering my memory taste buds and maybe just a wee bit too flowery bad news paragraph – just a tish too much something – which caught my eye then suddenly I forget all about that because the rest of the story just took my heart, filled it up with pain, then settled it down with your whole world shifting. Mine did too. Amazing job on a tought assignment! Wow.

  39. Booyah's Momma says

    February 11, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    I love how the Double Bubble came full circle at the end. Oh, the sweetness of young love.

    And I like how you set the scene with the small town atmosphere, and all of the descriptions you used to describe the environment. My only suggestion would have been to pull Kevin into the beginning of the story a little more, since the focus in the latter half was really was about you and him. Maybe easier said than done in a 600 word piece, though.

    Overall, just wonderful.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm

      Thank you! I knew the first part was a mess. BUt I felt like I had to set the stage. Which is hard when there’s that word limit. Looking back, I could’ve probably started with, “I could never have imagined falling in love w/ a sweet brown-eyed boy named Kevin….” and skipped the part about Houma….Hindsight, right? argh!

  40. Elizabeth Flora Ross says

    February 11, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    Aww, So sweet! And such powerful imagery throughout this piece. Really great. I would agree with what many are saying here about two stories. Also, I would have liked to get to know a little bit about Kevin before the tragedy. What was he like? What was special about him? Why was he her first crush? I know with a word limit it is challenging to tell an entire story. I think you did a fantastic job!

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 3:11 pm

      Hi Elizabeth!

      It’s so hard because since this is non-fiction, I’m going with my memory. Which is not always very specific. I agree it probably needed a bit more about Kevin, but I was also only six, so at that age I’m thinking a lot of crushes are pretty superficial! LOL
      He was indeed my first crush, though, and I know I could’ve at least made sure to put that in there.

      Thank you!

  41. Julie says

    February 11, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    I would love to see it developed more… how does your mom being at home with you and your brothers relate to the story (outside of the gum?). Would love more detail on how *you* felt as you gave him the gum and received the kiss. I’m sure there were a myriad of other feelings – and maybe more interactions that lead to the kiss – it seemed to come out of no where.

    I really did like it (and I know the word count limit)… but you asked to give it to you straight! 🙂

  42. Anonymous says

    February 11, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    Loved this!

    There was a boy I’d had a crush on for a couple years. His father committed suicide in our sixth grade year. I never comforted him. He never kissed me.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 4:14 pm

      Oh god, Tulpen. How awful. But 6th grade in many ways is probably a lot harder to process something like this—than being in 1st grade, as we were….

  43. Katie Bray says

    February 11, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    I won’t critique your old work, but I have to say I’m loving your new stuff. Keep things like this up. I have no critiques as of yet.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 4:13 pm

      Thank you, Katie. I’m trying to write more thoughtfully. I really want to take this blog somewhere, you know?

  44. Amy says

    February 11, 2011 at 11:55 pm

    Luminous writing, Erin. I was very moved by this piece. I have to say, since you asked me, each time I read your work it gets stronger – more confident, more eloquent, more luminous. You’re a ‘real’ writer, my friend.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:58 pm

      Amy,

      Thank you for your beautiful words and I’m excited that you think I’m getting stronger. I know I have a lot of work to do. This piece had problems, for sure. But the word limit was hanging over me (even though I much prefer to keep my posts brief in general)….and I got sick of looking at it and didn’t know how to make it work. I gave up too soon.

  45. Amanda Hoving says

    February 12, 2011 at 12:24 am

    Hi Erin — This was lovely. As mentioned in many comments above, you give us some great imagery, and you have a wonderful way of describing the “little” things in a big way. I like how this story couples tragedy with small town charm.

    One suggestion: I think you can drop the first sentence or two of paragraph #4 beginning, “One day a particularly devastating…” because in the previous paragraph we were already alerted that bad news was coming. So in paragraph #4, go straight to the showing part. Show us what happened, and the incident will become more powerful.

    Thank you for sharing this with us!

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:57 pm

      You are spot on about that sentence. I think by the time I hit “publish,” I was so exhausted and didn’t know what else to do with it. It was all blurring together. I gave in to the desire to just “be done with it.” Mad at myself.

  46. MiMi says

    February 12, 2011 at 12:32 am

    But it IS a great post! Very sweet story. And I can feel the powdery Dubble Bubble…

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:56 pm

      Le sigh. I wish I had some right about now!! I could chew off all this frustration with my work! LOL

  47. Nichole says

    February 12, 2011 at 12:39 am

    Erin,
    My first reaction is to tell you that this is an amazing piece and that I am in awe of your writing.
    Truly.
    But, I know that you really do value concrit, so I will share my perception…

    I think that the only problem is that your second paragraph is so superb that the subsequent paragraphs pale a bit in comparison. You set the bar so high that we can’t help but notice that you didn’t bring the rest up to that level.

    I don’t think that you have two stories here. I just think that you need to push yourself to rise to the quality of that evocative and excellent paragraph.

    I only tell you that because you pushed us to.
    I truly enjoyed it, Erin. With just a bit of work, it will be just perfect.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:56 pm

      Nichole,

      Thank you so much for coming by and for offering your CC. I knew the story had problems before I hit publish. I just didn’t know how to fix them, and was tired & frustrated with it (and myself). I knew I needed better transitions and while I’m relieved you didn’t think I had 2 stories, I clearly should have worked harder on it. Oy. But thank you so much for your input!!!

  48. Jennifer says

    February 12, 2011 at 1:03 am

    I too enjoyed the piece and do agree with several of the people here that I felt that the hook was the small town not not Kevin, which is easily changed even by maybe having the narrator thinking about him while the gas is getting pumped.

    In a town that size would she not know the name of the greasy haired gas pump guy? Because she didn’t know it I assumed that she was much younger at the beginning of the piece then I think she was meant to be. In fact the only indication of her age is when she is describing Kevin since we can assume that they are the same age. But because I felt rudderless in regards to her age I wasn’t quite sure how serious the crush was.

    The line “One day a particularly devastating incident crushed us.” Made me think that something was going to happen to either the narrator or to the whole down, which helped lend the feeling that Kevin came a little out of left field for me as a reader.

    Overall, I thought you did a great job to capturing the feel of a tiny town and I thought your descriptive language was quite strong especially in the beginning.

    Hope that helps.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 4:11 pm

      I was six. And I don’t remember the gas station guy’s name, or I would’ve put it in. I could’ve made something up I guess, but then wouldn’t it become fiction? I did include a line about our being in the same first-grade class. Still, it’s clear I struggled with this. I try to write short posts for the most part, but I needed to flesh this out and ditch the first paragraph, maybe. It was harder than I’d anticipated, I think! Thanks for reading!

  49. Annie says

    February 12, 2011 at 1:21 am

    WOW! I love this writing. I love the sweetness of the shy boy and shy girl…

  50. Rachel says

    February 12, 2011 at 3:02 am

    Writing journal on one side, Strunk and White’s Elements of Style on the other, I was ready to delve into as much constrcutive criticism as an engineer whose blog is one month old can… but, dammit if I can’t find anything to criticize. Any sentence structure that isn’t perfect, shouldn’t be and the story is sadly, poetically beautiful. Well done, Erin!

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 4:02 pm

      Thanks, Rachel. Oh how I love Strunk & White! Still, the story had its problems. This prompt seemed easy enough at the outset, but it got me. Argh.

  51. CDG says

    February 12, 2011 at 3:02 am

    Wow, Erin. What an amazing story. Really.

    My only criticism is that I feel like the strong, evocative narrative flags a little in the last paragraph. The earlier paragraphs show the child’s perspective through an adult’s filter, and for me the last paragraph has more of the adult’s perspective and less of the wonder and magic, the richness of the child’s experience.

    That said? This was beautiful and stirring, a touching piece of memoir, and so well crafted. And brave you, asking for the concrit! I hope I haven’t overstepped.

  52. A says

    February 12, 2011 at 4:43 am

    A fantastic story of young love. I love the descriptions of the gum, the bad news, and the small-ness of the town.

    My only criticism is pretty much what everyone else has already said, the beginning is so amazingly well described that the transition to the story of Kevin and his father is a little jarring.

    Also, I love your blog and I love reading, but your font hurts my eyes. I have trouble seeing it all show up sometimes.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:33 pm

      points all well taken—i felt the jarring, but w/in the constraints i just didn’t know how to fix it. and i got tired of looking at it.

      we are working on the font—bear w/ me! thanks for letting me know!
      😉

  53. Mommylebron says

    February 12, 2011 at 5:45 am

    You know how much I love your writing, Erin! That being said (and a side note; I don’t feel qualified to critique you!) I think with a little tweaking maybe you can make a smother transition from the description of the small town to the incident with Kevin’s dad to the crush? And there was one line that irked me but I can’t put my finger on why. “One day a particularly devastating incident crushed us.”. But I really did love it!

  54. Miss Sadie says

    February 12, 2011 at 7:25 am

    You are an amazing writer, to work so creatively within the bounds of a beginning, and ending, and a word limit.

    Very well done

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:54 pm

      Oh, thank you Sadie. The piece clearly has its problems, and even though I recognized them, I got so frustrated with it (& myself) that I hit publish because I didn’t know what else to do with it. So pleased you enjoyed it.

  55. Lady Jennie says

    February 12, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Is this true? I’m sorry, I have absolutely no criticism for you. I would buy a book and read stories full of this.

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:53 pm

      Jennie,

      Yes, it’s labeled under my non-fiction category. Most (like 97%) of what I write is non-fiction. I’m terrible at making shit up.
      😉
      xoxoxox

  56. J P says

    February 12, 2011 at 11:29 am

    Oh, this is so touching and what a “man” at such a young age! Beautiful glimpse of life…:)

    • Anonymous says

      February 12, 2011 at 2:52 pm

      thank you so much! Happy you came to visit!

  57. Kelly says

    February 12, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Very sweet story! I know you are looking for concrit but I don’t feel qualified to give it at this time. I am just reading and learning. I loved this line: “Bad news blew about like an angry wind, bringing little leaves with stories scrawled upon them”

    • Anonymous says

      February 13, 2011 at 11:28 pm

      Con crit is hard for me to ask for, and even harder for me to give! NO WORRIES! I’m just glad you came by. I’m still catching up with comments and making the rounds myself. So much to read!

  58. Cheryl says

    February 12, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    You got a ton of comments so hopefully I’m not going to be redundant since I haven’t read those.

    Overall I really liked it. There was some beautiful writing in there, erin!

    This part stopped me: “One day a particularly devastating incident crushed us. Unfortunately it involved a quiet, brown-eyed boy named Kevin Culpepper who was in my first-grade class at school.” How did this incident crush you? And why do you say “unfortunately”? You set it up by talking about bad news the graph before. I also think the last graph you switch your perspective to an adult rather than a child. Does that make sense?

    • Anonymous says

      February 13, 2011 at 11:27 pm

      Cheryl,

      I guess I said “unfortunately” because it was sad it had to happen to this darling little boy. Or any kid of that age, really…I don’t know. In hindsight, I’d trash my first two graphs. Of course that’s after re-reading and stepping away from it for several days!!!
      😉
      Appreciate your keen eyes on this, as always. and yes, it totally makes sense. I shouldn’t have shifted narrator. Argh.

  59. Mads Mom says

    February 13, 2011 at 1:24 am

    Oh Erin, I’ve read this 3 or 4 times and I love it more every time. I remember that first cheek kiss and how it seared.
    What impresses me most was your ability to tell a story so rich with well developed characters in so few words.
    Just WOW.

    • Anonymous says

      February 13, 2011 at 11:26 pm

      Thanks, dollface. I just keep looking back at it with regret. But it was a prompt and there are plenty more chances….the lines we were given just tripped me up. I don’t know. I’m glad you enjoyed it, though! Thank you for coming by!

  60. Jennifer says

    February 13, 2011 at 6:00 am

    Very nicely done. What a terrible thing for him to go through and for you to experience at such a young age. I agree this topic was hard to keep to 600 words.

  61. Simone says

    February 13, 2011 at 6:33 am

    It takes courage to display what you’ve written and ask no tell, everyone that you want critiquing instead of glossing over it.

    When I first started reading it, in spite of the beautiful descriptions, I didn’t feel any real emotion. That emotion came when you hit the paragraph, “One day in particular…”

    I know that it’s hard to place emotion and describe the setting when you have a word count to follow. You did a great job though, in capturing the imagery and feeling in this piece. Keep it up, Erin! I’m so proud of you.

    • Anonymous says

      February 13, 2011 at 11:25 pm

      Thanks so much, Simone. I think (in hindsight) I coulda chopped off the first 2 graphs and found a way to incorporate the first line of the prompt… oh well. NExt time, right?!

  62. From Tracie says

    February 13, 2011 at 6:48 am

    Seriously. I love this. Giving it to you straight here….write more. Write More. Write MORE.

    There are lines and moments in this story that are perfect. The first paragraph feels slightly unnecessary, but you were working within a prompt, so that makes a difference sometimes.

    I think that your previous comments (because I’m reading this so late) hit on the parts that were weak, so I’m going to point out…..”Bad news blew about like an angry wind, bringing little leaves with stories scrawled upon them.” <–that is genius.

    • Anonymous says

      February 13, 2011 at 11:24 pm

      Tracie,

      Yeah, I totally floundered at the beginning. So hard sometimes. Even though I knew the post had issues, I just couldn’t look at it anymore….argh.

  63. Mamaface says

    February 13, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    I have absolutely no credentials to be qualified to give writing advice, and you know I’m enchanted by the stories you tell. 6 years old and your first kiss! (Were you 6? or did this happen later?) This is one mature boy, in so many ways. The fact that he was able to get that boat back to shore is mind boggling.

    My only criticism, if you can call it that, is that I would be so interested in knowing more about the entire life altering event-perhaps there are people you could ask who were older then? Although I know you were constricted by the amount of words you were allotted. (Maybe a longer post at some point).

    Love the description of the bubble gum. Oh, how I loved that as a kid! That powdery stuff makes me gag now! But you were spot on about your feelings as a child.

    I feel honored to be a part of a blogging community with writers like you. (by part I mean that I’m a huge fan!)

    • Anonymous says

      February 13, 2011 at 11:22 pm

      Thank you, Mary. I wish I knew more about it/him. I tried to find him on Facebook, but there are apparently a lot of people who share the same name!

  64. Amanda says

    February 13, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    This was beautiful. Made my heart ache for that little boy now, so many years later. What it took to get that boat back to shore….

  65. Stephanie says

    February 13, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    Great post! ;]

    I always enjoy your writing, I always feel like I’m in the moment with you, could be my imagination combined with your writing is a great combo!

  66. Ash says

    February 14, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Holy cow, girl – your story and all the comments! Some great advice, for sure, which I think you have taken in stride. More difficult than pushing water up hill. I concur with most. Nancy hits it square on the head.

    I think you have a fantastic snapshot of your childhood – the powdery gum – I could smell it. (we had a 1976 Mercury Cougar station wagon. Blue with faux wood trim. The one that would eventually be my first car. Smokin’.) The cement-filled tire – excellent detail that put me squarely on that playground. How sweet were you with the note and the gum? I understand the importance of the gas station lines to link back to the end where you give it to Kevin. This wasn’t just some random piece of gum you pulled out of an old Halloween leftovers bag. This was a treasure being saved. He was chosen.

    I also totally understand the issues with keeping non-fiction “pristine,” but I think blurring the lines a little to aid the story is not unheard of, nor do I frown upon it. What would the average gas station attendant in the Louisiana bayous during the 80s be named? Though, I kinda like the “greasy-haired man” description. It makes the reader understand your age at the time. Younger, you wouldn’t remember that detail, older, you probably would have been too busy to notice or care.

    You’re doing so well Erin. Keep digging deep. You’re a wealth of stories to tell!!

  67. Elaine A. says

    February 14, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Best. Line. Yet from you (that I’ve read anyway…) “Bad news blew about like an angry wind, bringing little leaves with stories scrawled upon them.” Oh my heart, that is so friggin’ awesome! And I’m not “pussyfooting”, I’m just telling the truth, Ruth!! 😉

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