How to Lose a Grown-Ass Woman in Ten Steps
Dating in midlife is anything but easy; many women find themselves in quite a quandary when they jump in, only to realize some prospective partners still live like teenagers. I thought it might be good to warn you in advance so you don’t waste as much time as I did! The following scenarios bear a striking resemblance to some real-life events; essentially, this is my list of what NOT to do in order to woo the woman of your dreams. By following these handy tips, you, too, can lose a grown-ass woman in ten steps!
- Have a cat (or three). Never clean out the litter boxes.
- Make and eat food. Leave dishes, pots, pans, crumbs, spills. Ignore the dishes in the kitchen sink as they begin growing a nice mold specimen. Let the trash overflow before you consider taking it out. Never clean your bathroom, either.
- Skip showering before going to work. Don’t brush your teeth, either. Want to lose a grown-ass woman in ten steps or fewer? Wait to shower and brush your teeth until she has already arrived at your home at the time you told her to be there!
- Engage in an experiment wherein you try to grow your own mealworms and larvae using your leftover pizza and its box, some old carrots, random kitchen bits, and God knows what else.
- Let your significant other do all the emotional labor, both for you and your relationship. And often the physical labor, too. This may be the single best way to lose a grown-ass woman, especially if you are in a hurry!
- Take her to your 30th high school reunion, where you ignore her for three hours, then bitch her out and accuse her of flirting with the bartender.
- Don’t take her out to do anything social ever. Hibernate 24/7.
- Get her a cubic zirconia ring from Amazon for her birthday. Don’t ask her size first, just guess.
- Don’t use air conditioning. And your bedroom is in your attic. Window unit up there is a joke.
- Don’t value her, think about her feelings, or feel proud of her. Don’t consider her an equal. Wait until she leaves you to beg her to stay, tell her how much you appreciate her, and how special she is. For bonus points, stalk her until she has to threaten a restraining order. Then tell her she’s “hard to replace,” and also that her boobs are great.
Do you have other tips to add to my list? Do you know how to lose a grown-ass woman? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!