Despite what you might think, I haven’t always been the smashing success I am today. Sadly, I haven’t always been this calm, cool, collected, drop-dead gorgeous and intellectually superior woman. No sirree Bob, back in the day I was just a lowly Wannabe. You know that book about the Wannabes and the Queen Bees and how much cliques and junior high girls suck? Well, I was lucky enough to fall into the Wannabe category. The one nobody wanna beez in. Get it?!
I crack myself up.
Anybee, it’s 1986, so I’m 10 years old and in 5th grade. This was a stellar year for me because my mom hadn’t bought me my first bra yet (which was very obvious given the starched, white blouses we had to wear with our hideous red plaid uniform skirts), but all the other girls had them. Didn’t so much matter that I had nothing to put in said bra, but I was already feeling singled out. Fifth grade began the Spin the Bottle parties, UNITS outfits, the rise of Forenza and Girbaud jeans (another thing I didn’t own but everyone else did, not that I’m keeping track or anything), lots of hair spray and bangs the height of the Empire State Building.
For my tenth birthday, a friend had given me a new purse. I used my allowance to buy a bottle of Aqua Net like all the other girls whipped out during break to tweak their coiffures. Unfortunately for me, it was not in an aerosol can, it was one of those archaic pump spray bottles. You know, the ones that are better for the environment?
We’re in math class with Mrs. L. She’s up at the board writing some problems for us to work on. Her arm jiggles like crazy and everyone suppresses giggles while her ample behind sways from side to side. She finishes, turns around, and you can hear her pantyhose-clad thighs rubbing against each other as she heads back to her desk. Suddenly she freezes in her tracks and opens her mouth in horror.
“What is that?” she hisses, pointing to a previously undetected puddle next to my desk. Everyone begins twisting this way and that, trying to see what she’s looking at. I look down and blush furiously. I instantly realize that the entirety of my beloved bottle of Make Me A Queen Bee (aka Aqua Net) has somehow leaked through my purse and onto the classroom floor. Everyone titters because it honestly looks like I had an accident, like some brand new puppy.
I apologize to Mrs. L and race to the girls’ room to get some paper towels. As my classmates’ snickers turn from Mrs. L to me, I sop up the mess and put the soggy paper towels in the trash can. Next, I toss in the now-empty bottle of hair spray. I can feel my face burning, I can’t look at anyone, and deep down I already know I’ll never be a Queen Bee.
Looking back I can honestly say I’m glad I wasn’t a Queen Bee. I’m just not built that way. And I never picked up another bottle of Aqua Net again. Hair spray is just not my friend
Oh, sweet gravy. You mentioned Spin The Bottle and fifth grade in the same sentence and then I passed out because I have a girl in fifth grade. Arrrrgh!
I was a high school student from 1986 on and my parents would not allow ANYone who lived in their house to use hairspray. And it was, you will note, the NINETEEN EIGHTIES. Guess who was the token flat-haired girl at the high school? Yeah.
UGH…as if that period in a girl's life isn't hard enough you have to get a bitch teacher to make a huge scene over some spilled hair spray! She could have been more discreet and talked to you after class…'ya know!
I had the nastiest high, hair spray hard, crunchy mall Houma bangs you ever did see! They were hideous! And believe me, they didn't get me into the queen bees…just years and years of split ends and damage!
Your the bees knees to me!!
ah children of the eighties…
Aqua Net, leg warmers and Duran Duran…good times.
I've tried to forget about elementary school. I don't want to talk about it.
UNITS! Holy crap, love it.
Oh my gosh this sounds kind of like my life. I think I tried to be one of the cool kids up until about 7th grade or so…that's when I gave up and went all punk rock with my purple hair. It went over well at my all girls' school. But whatever…I ended up aging much better than any of those biotches.
Feathered hair and wings. They could not be accomplished without the good ole Super Hold Aqua Net.
I am so very glad those days are long gone.
Oh no! I would've probably feigned illness and gone home early. I feel for you!
5th and 6th grades-ugh-the boys were real wise asses then, and the girls were mean.
We could've been wannabee's together! I was a wannabe. I'll never forget the first time I got stone washed jeans…'member those? I was SO proud. And then some bitch in PE laughed when we were dressing down because as I was folding them, very carefully, she looks over and says, "Oh my GOD, what are those? Size 58??!!" I should have kicked her ass.
oh man. we all have some crazy story under our belts from that age. All that matters is that you are totes a Queen Bee now.
Ouch, memories of HS still sting! My parents were first generation immigrants from Hong Kong… talk about unable to help an "American" kid through the awkwardness of puberty in the 80's… I wasn't allowed to shave, date, pierce my ears until I was 13, and mom seemed to think it was better that I looked like a clown than she show me how to apply make-up correctly…
Even now I will say to my husband, "That's the kind of girl who would beat me up in junior high."
I was totally a wannabe too. Maybe that's how all the cool mommies started out? It wasn't until high school that I learned Paul Mitchell is even stronger than Aquanet and smells like watermelon!
Look at you being all uber green before it was even cool to be uber green. Girl you were SO far ahead of those Queen Bees and just didn't know it!
Hairspray is over rated!
Heh…those that 'think' they're Queen Bees are really just the WannaBe's now! That's real.
Do you remember the smell that Aqua Net had too? YUCK it was horrible! I don't know how or why any of us (self included) used it. Of course you can not forget the flakes Aqua Net would leave in some girl's hair (self not included) because they just kept put layer on top of layer. It looked like dandruff. Smell + Flakes = A real winner
That is too funny. I bet back then you thought you never live through that moment. I know that had to be embarassing. Glad your still here 😉
xoxo
Danielle
Never liked the barbies and always threw sand in the sand box.
Much happier just being me.
I had a bottle of Avon Soft Musk break in a beautiful brand new suede purse in HS. Stunk to all hell and I have never worn Musk scented perfume again in my life.
Never liked the barbies and always threw sand in the sand box.
Much happier just being me.
I had a bottle of Avon Soft Musk break in a beautiful brand new suede purse in HS. Stunk to all hell and I have never worn Musk scented perfume again in my life.
Ah, man. I dont miss those days. I had NO hope of ever being a Queen Bee, thats for sure!
And I do remember those super high bangs! lol
Oh man that so would be something that would happen to me!
I'm so glad it was just hair spray but still what a moment that one will never forget.
Oh Erin, You are my Queen Bee. You are such a talented writer. I enjoyed this soooo much.
UNITS!! oh my, I'm old enough to remember buying those as an adult. (I would love that stretchy stuff now.)
Where are all those girls who were all that in school? hmmmm…
I suppose that FaceBook is so you can find the cool girls and laugh at them now, but I avoid FB like the plague. Love reports from my mom that my ex-best friend is friends w. so-n-so on FB. I'm like WHAT? HER? Wow. Interesting. They're all sitting somewhere, still spraying their hair and ruining the world for the rest of us. I hear ya, Mama. Too funny tho, as we were supposed to have an '80s MNO this weekend and all I could think of was finding a can of that nasty stuff to create an outfit around! 😉
Oh my…hair spray is my friend. I still have this happen all the time…especially when I pack…but not only hairspray. I have ruined many a purse, shirt, you name it.
Hair spray and a purse in fifth grade? My whole class would have wanted to be you.
Oh my… in 1986 I was graduating from High School.
The Queen bees at my school would bring those exact bottles of hairspray you speak of but they would empty out the Aqua Net and put Vodka in them. They would squirt it in their mouth and I remember wondering how long it would take them to actually get drunk. What a bunch of morons.
Great post!!
Oh, no! How embarrassing!
You are an awesome writer. Really good details.
UNITS…omigod! Do you remember the portable curling irons to fluff up the squirrel's nest growing out of our foreheads?
It's so weird that you mentioned Queen Bees because I did too. Something in the water today…
I sat behind Brent….3rd Grade, Mrs. Weger's class….he peed in his pants, and it ran down the aisle to me (sitting right behind him) and soaked all my books!
i'm so glad it was just hair spray! did you get a chance to say it's hair spray or did everyone think otherwise?
~hl~
I can so relate to this. I actually did use hair spray though. From about 7th grade until 9th. Then, one day in 9yh grade, my stiff wall of bangs didn't look quite right, and in a fit of frustration, I just brushed them all out. A friend told me she liked it better, and that was the end of the hair spray. Now I can't stand the stuff. Never use it. Don't even let the hair stylist use it on me.
P.S. I had an equally embarrassing mishap when I was in 8th grade. A tampon fell out of my bag, and a boy I thought was so cute saw it on the floor. He said "hey what's that?" I was like "hmm, I have no idea." He asked for it, and I gave it to him. What really sucked was that it was my last one, and I needed it to get me through the day. So I watched in silent torcher as he opened it up and ruined it. All for the sake of hiding the fact that it was mine.
I can totally feel the pain that you must have felt right at that very minute! Things like that can either make or break you in elementary and middle school. Once you earned a reputation, whether it be good or bad, it was hard to shake.
I wasn't the Queen Bee either and you know what…you couldn't pay me a million dollars to repeat those years again!
BTW, no I don't make my own sauce for the lasagna…are you kidding me? I use Ragu!!!
My 80's hair, or should I say my regular hair is BIG with or without the hairspray. It was long and thick enough to use a whole giant size bottle of Dep hair gel (were talking family size). If I had real money, I bought two bottles of mousse since my afro was naturally curly.
You brought back some fun memories and I don't mean to laugh at your pain, but with you ; )
May
OMG, I had totally forgotten about UNITS!
I pray that big hair never comes back! I used to put on the hairspray and then hairdry it in place basically cooking it onto my hair. Sometimes I would spray it and then curl it! It's a wonder I still have hair after all that damage!
Forenza!! Holy flashback batman.
We're your friends big into Adidas shoes? The black ones with white stripes. Yeah, I never had a pair. We didn't do name brands at our house.
I didn't sport those bangs until 1992 so in addition to being a wannabe I was really behind all fashion trends.
I could nearly smell the Aqua Net while reading that post. Really took me back!
Good that you can laugh at yourself now. I know I look back on things that I thought were the most horrible things ever and laugh!
Hairspray was nothing. You should have had to wear the Butch Hair Wax to hold the 'flat top' in place. Slicker than owl shit.
okay, a coworker and i were JUST talking about units last week! she's pregnant with her second child and she came in my office and was all like, "dammmmmn it, i wish i could find my old units because i could totally use them!!"
hahaha LOVE bangs and aqua net!!
I don't remember units. Are they like those Multiples (???) things they used to sell on HSN. Mix n match with head bands that turned into belts or fetching turbans??
Not that I had any…..,
FWIW, I don't remember that incident at all – then again, I have a terrible memory. Remember?
You had your bangs teased to all their glory, didn't you? You were cute! But I feel sorry for you awkward hair spray spill because that will really wound a middle school psyche!
Hey at least you can look back and laugh now!
this is a good story!!
I remember the Aqua Net!! I never used hairspray back then. The first time I used was when I went to my very first wedding and had to have my hair up. Other than that, never.
I do LOVE perfume and always have a bottle of it in my purse.
Oh girl…those bangs….ROLF I had them too!!!!
We would have been Wannabe friends together, Erin! My then curly hair never liked the hairspray I forced on it nor the curling iron forcing it to curl in gravity defying directions! I was a fan of Love's Baby Soft at the time (pink bottle) but then I upgraded to Tribe in High school. Ahh, yeah, don't need to go back to the bang years!
Oh, woe is you. PLEASE. I wasn't allowed to shave my legs until eighth grade. I was the hairiest girl this side of New England. I can't believe you got a bra shortly after fifth grade. You must have been the luckiest Wannabe ever.
I hate when the bottles leak. It always makes such a smelly mess.
That picture is so cute!!
Oh, hon, I am laughing (and crying) with you … not at you. You just gave me a travel back in time. Yes, I too was more of a Wanna Bee instead of a Queen Bee but later got to be with the Queen Bee's which I quickly learned this was not where I wanted to "Bee".
Thank God for lifes experiences. I still keep a can of Aqua Net and a jar of Dippity Doo just for nostalgia.
just found your blog and love the aqua net story, I do suffered from bad bangs, still do on my bad days…only this time I am trying to hide my wrinkles and avoiding botox….ah to be young and 'cool' again. all the best, Coryanne
now following you 😉
I remember that my big sis used to try to try and make my bangs big. They were puny curled and crunchy ones. But I always secretly hated the big bangs.
Oh my lord! That pic could have been me in my units and hair helmet. since there was usually only one queen bee, most of us fell into the wannabe category. And look at us now, we are fabulous! 🙂
Who wants to be a Queen Bee, anyways? Those girls age prematurely and look like they are 40 when they're 20. You, on the other hand, are intelligent and beautiful! BTW – I wasn't built that way, either.
Eek! Ugh! Cringe!
You could NOT pay me enough to relive those years!!!!!
***Ally
ohmystars, i 'm crying here… not from laughing, but from frikkin CRYING!!
yikes, scarred for life!! what an awful experience.
i did laugh at the photo. those units. whattheheck!!?
That reminds me of an argument that I had with a French Teacher at my school when I was about 14! She told me to go and get rid of the mascara I was wearing…I wasn't wearing any mascara, but she peered at me, nose to nose, and swore that I was! I never wore make-up at school, but like any other 14 year old, I would experiment with my friends at home.
But I swear this Teacher had thing in for me…and I still wasn't wearing mascara!
Aqua Net…now that brings back memories…sorry yours is a bad one. Well, mine aren't that great either. I remember that stiff white build up coating on my brunette hair…gross!
Oh,80's!Music was good! Lol, I can't say the same thing for 80's hair:)
Oh you poor thing. =( School was just so embarrassing on so many levels! I remember being the last one in my 6th grade class to get a bra, mostly because my mom wouldn't buy me one, and I was the only girl in class who actually DID need one. In fact I needed on in 3RD grade. I've never really used hairspray though. I hate bangs, even though I really need some for my giant sixhead.
OMG Erin, why even take a trip down memory lane Lol! Yes, the old aqua net, I remember it well. I used to use that Dep green gel in the plastic tub to make my hair go at right angles if I wanted it too and then tons of spray. I didn't have the mall bangs but I did have the crazy big 1980's hair like Tina Turner. Hey, I was hot, Lol!!! yes I have photos but I won't be sharing!
Following you from Friday Follow.
Those bangs were bangin'!
Ha! Gawd I make myself laugh. Even if no one else does!
You my friend are a Queen Bee. Look at all your followers up there! People love you darlin'. Because unlike those wannabe bitches, you are warm and kind and generous!
Love you!
My hair is thick and laughs in the face of hairspray, not that I'd ever use it. What kind of teacher would talk to a kid like that? Geesh…
I remember the Net..and then how fancy I was when I upgraded to Spritz Forte. LOL.
Spin the bottle? You dirty minx. LOL. I know that game well too. Or I mean, my friends told me all about it.
I was 10 years old when I got my first bra too. Santa left it in my stocking – I was mortified!!!
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That outfit is totally bad-ass. My older sister had Aqua Net, and big bangs, I was totally jealous!
My younger daughter was quite a fan of "anti-gravity bangs" too. When I see photos with hair like that, it's like they put a date stamp on them…you girls were so silly.
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