**This is a monologue rather than a dialogue because I discourage too much discussion inside the airplane restroom & barely let my kids get a word in edgewise as I rush them through everything. This post was inspired by a recent trip to New Orleans, where I flew solo with the girls.**
Image courtesy of Photobucket
“Don’t touch ANYTHING! I mean it. NOT. A. SINGLE. THING.”
<Holy shit this place is swarming with E. Coli.>
“Wait! DON’T MOVE. Let me put toilet paper down on the seat first.”
<If her sweet, innocent, bright-white tushie touches that seat, I’ll have to douse her with bleach later>
“Wait, why are you holding onto the toilet seat? Do you know how gross that is?”
<There’s a handle for that, only I doubt it’s much cleaner>
“Please tell me you don’t have to poop. Oh God, no. Seriously? You’re pooping NOW? In HERE?”
<Hold up. You’re 5 1/2. I know you can wait to take a dump til we land and get into the airport.>
“Oh God, STOP! Don’t bend that far over to pull up your panties, your hair is hanging in the toilet!”
<Her face is literally inches from that disgusting hole. What is she thinking? Thank goodness I didn’t let her come in by herself.>
“You’ve got to be kidding me. There’s no water pressure in here. There’s barely any water coming out of the faucet. Goddamn it.”
<Predictable. Either there’s no soap or no water. Which assures that everyone on the plane has filthy hands. Now where’s my hand sanitizer?>
Image courtesy of Photobucket
**Postscript: I am not a total germ freak, but it must be said I’d rather visit the gynecologist than an airplane restroom. Which is saying a lot.**
I have not had the pleasure yet with my kids. I hate airplane bathrooms. The worst was when I got Montezuma’s Revenge on my way home from Cancun my senior year of high school. I couldn’t help but use the bathroom. Several times!
Jayme,
OMG. I can’t imagine having to deal with Montezuma’s Revenge while on an airplane. You deserve an award! Poor thing!
Mine is usually ‘ew ew ew don’t touch anything ew ew ew’ so kudos for actually forming full sentences.
Elzimmy,
I actually say a lot of “ew ew ew” myself, and have even uttered some expletives on occasion. GROSSES ME OUT! 😉
This is the EXACT monologue that happens when I have to do the airplane bathroom with my daughter. It is SO gross!
I’m laughing and nodding and glad that I’m not alone in my airplane-bathroom-induced-germophobia.
Tracie,
OMG. Please don’t tell me you still have to bring K in the bathroom? I thought surely mine were almost old enough to go solo….aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
The last couple times we flew, she did the bathroom thing by herself….and I had the monologue in my mind all by myself sitting in my seat!! (and then made her slather with hand sanitizer when she got back)
Eeeww. Just eewww. Your monologue is my monologue. XO
Galit,
Good. Then we are sisters in germhood/parenthood! 😉 xoxoxo
Well bllleeeeccchhh. Yeah I am glad all of my family is close by and never required plane trips. I would have lost my mind.
Angel,
Yes, you are indeed lucky. I am sure many would say airplane restrooms are no nastier than other public restrooms, but I STRONGLY disagree—especially w/ all that recycled air!
ha ha. I am getting ready to fly tomorrow and I totally never use the airplane bathroom!
Jenna,
Have fun on the plane! I guess that means you won’t be drinking anything on your flight?!?!
Hilarious! I have a bladder the size of a pea, so my bathroom phobia went out the window long ago. That being said, I despise those spaces, especially when you get stuck in there post someone else’s poo or with your kid going number 2. So disgusting
Mindy,
Yeah, I don’t mind so much if it’s just me and I have to go really badly, but when it’s kids, it’s an entirely different story.
Too funny, I hear you!
DycheDesigns,
Thanks for coming by! 😉
I think this same monologue applies to porta-potties. *shudder* I cringe when someone, especially the kids, have to go and that’s the only option. That’s partly why I always carry hand sanitizer in my purse.
I NEVER use port-o-lets. There’s one at a park by our house, but I have never let our kids use it. They know to potty before we leave and that if they have to go while we’re there? THey either have to wait or we have to go home. LOL!
I do my best to avoid them. Last weekend I was volunteering at our Community Day. I had to go but didn’t want to stray too far from our booth. I should have walked up the hill to the library because the pota-potty I went into was the grossest thing I have ever seen!
I don’t like the airplane pottys either, I try and hold it, never ever, ever drink coffee before a flight, little sips of water, first of all the minute they say you can take your belts off people start heading down to the restroom, second you can’t even turn inside there, it’s plain scary don’t like, don’t want. I try to sit in the front of the plane so when we land I’m one of the first one’s off, then I run to the restroom. One time this little girl who was sitting behind me got airsick, her Mom, her Dad, and baby sister all darted for the restroom, it was quite a scene, all I kept thinking was Please don’t let me smell the throw-up! I never flew with my children, thank you God! My daughter flew to England in January, she got sick all the way there, then her and her friends flew to Paris from England, same thing again, when she came back to San Diego from England in April, she took medicine and wore a bracelet for air sickness and I’m glad to say she did not get sick!
Marlene,
Oh my gosh! Fortunately none of us suffers from motion sickness. If we did? I don’t think we’d fly, either! I’m relieved the bracelet and medicine worked out for her. ANd yes, I try to hold it, too, but I’m pregnant right now so that makes it hard. LOL!
Hey, at least it wasn’t a “port-a-potty”. ;-P
Hilarious!!
Elaine,
I flat-out refuse port-o-potties. So maybe there is ONE thing grosser than an airplane restroom?? EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Oh this is too funny! I do this everytime I go to ANY public restroom. This post is just so close to home. =)
Janice,
I loathe all public restrooms, too. But airplanes take the cake. Especially when you factor in all that recycled air.
Hilarious. And gross. I’m no germophobe, but I don’t let my kids’ sweet little arses touch a porta potty. Have taught little girl the finer points of the squat and pee.
So your little one can squat? I hadn’t even thought to teach mine that yet b/c I figured it’s too soon. She doesn’t get pee dripping down her legs, etc?!?
I’m glad I rank higher than airplane bathroom : ). You’re too funny!
Stacey,
Seriously, you have no idea. I don’t know if I ever told you, but Brabec at RRC (when we were having mock embryo transfer for abby & izzy) once suggested to me that I was acting like a child despite being a grown woman. She also asked me if I’d ever been abused as a child b/c she’d never seen anyone act like that before. There was also a tenaculum (sp?) being used at the time. I was crying and snotting everywhere. It was awful. I was mortified. She later apologized. So it speaks volumes that I come to you willingly. 😉 xoxoxo
LMAO. And haven’t we all been there? I am a ‘phobe’ about any bathroom other than mine at home…….it’s sad really. I spend a lot of time trying not to touch things.
Terri,
I’m so glad I’m not alone! I’m sure I’m making my kids into complete OCD germophobes, but I can’t help myself. It’s just disgusting. Ugh!
I have had this monologue. On more than one occasion. Not much worse than an airplane bathroom! Well, except an airplane bathroom with a child…
Ally,
EXACTLY. I manage to survive when it’s just me, but when I have to take my kids in there? UGH. Grosses me out. They can’t help but touch practically every surface.
I always pee three times before getting on a plane but…this rant is exactly why i despise long flights
Fortunately this flight wasn’t very long, but of course once you factor in all the snacks and drinks you’re giving the kids, you have to accept there’s going to be some output. Oy!
Also, the kids always leave their pants puddled on the floor around their shoes…
Which are usually already IN a puddle. Of? Of? ohnodon’tthinkaboutit.
Yuck. Just yuck.
(I so wish it were easy to take the train…or that my in-laws didn’t live in upstate New York. or both.)
Julie,
I was totally going to put that in my post—-the pants puddled on the floor part. But I’m undecided as to which is worse—puddled on the floor or rubbing up against the nasty toilet base? UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH. So relieved to know I’m not the only one who thinks (ok, obsesses!) over things like this. Barf.
I think I would have given them a bath in sanitizer. EEEKs. And I thought regular department store toilets were bad.
Kimberly,
I really think ALL public restrooms are just nasty. But airplanes truly take the cake. Blech.
Eeeeeekkkkk!!!! I’m flying cross country with Cole and Bella in a couple weeks and I totally forgot about the airplane bathrooms. I’ll be packing plenty of hand sanitizer…oh man, I’m so dreading it even more now!
Helene,
At least Cole can stand up!! When do you think we can teach our girls how to properly hover??? LOL
I have flown a lot and NEVER have gone into a bathroom and until Nathaniel is older I hope I never have too!
Stephanie,
At least you have a boy for now so he can stand up (unless, God forbid, he has to poop). I hate taking my girls in there. I think they are too young/little to learn how to hover over the toilet seat properly. I don’t recall how old I was when I learned that technique….hmmmm.
NASTY! I hate any public bathroom and those on trains and planes tend to be the worst of them.
Nolie,
YES! SO true. Grosses me out. I hate it. And especially loathe the recycled air on planes—which causes my mind to imagine all sorts of nasty things. Ewww.
I am going to Colorado for two weeks at the end of the month. I am flying back alone with the boys. Four hours. One barely potty trained. In other words, I may rent a car and drive to Kansas instead and move in with y’all.
Because seriously? My nerves cannot take that airplane bathroom shit. No they cannot.
Hold me.
Nancy,
Wait, it’s one flight? one four-hour flight? if so, just get yourself some booze on the plane. And you should totally come to Kansas either way—we would LOVE it!
You’ve got my number. Call me if you need to vent after the flight. HAHAHHAHAHAHHAA and p.s. don’t forget your Purell!
Bwahahahahahahahaha!! I just DIED laughing. Because this is SO me! I’m not a germaphobe either, but I agree. I’d totally see the gyno over the airplane potty ANY DAY!
Naomi,
SO happy to see your gorgeous face over here! I’m glad you can relate to this. I worried after I hit publish that everyone would think I was a totally OCD/germ freak.Why do kids want to touch everything?!?
Hate airplane bathrooms!! And with kids? Like a nightmare…
Sherri,
Yes—my WORST nightmare. LOL! Thanks so much for tweeting/sharing this post!
Airplane bathrooms are definitely nasty. I usually refrain from drinking fluids for hours before a flight, for that very reason. I have a small bladder!
Lisa,
Me too! But with the kids? It’s pretty unavoidable. Ugh!